(Spoilers will abound!)
So, for my first silver screen bitch it just HAD to be one of the biggies. What Ever Happened To Baby Jane? is the film that introduced me to two of my favourite actresses, and also my idol…Joan Crawford.
Crawford and co-star Bette Davis allegedly hated each other and their animosity made for some great chemistry. For today’s bitch I’ll be showcasing Blanche Hudson, that’s right…Blanche.
Young Blanche lives in the shadow of her bratty child star sister Baby Jane. When the girls grow up it’s Jane who is in the shadow of Blanche, who has become a megastar. One night at a party after Jane entertains the crowds by imitating and belittling Blanche, she does the only logical thing: she tries to run her over. Wait, what?? Of course, this is the big reveal of the story but come on! This picture alone should’ve tipped us off that Blanche was at the wheel.
Everyone knows Joan loved her “fuck-me” pumps!
Cut to “yesterday” and the sisters are still together, Blanche in a wheelchair, and Jane is a perpetual state of drunkenness at the thought of having crippled her sister.
Elvira the (awesome) maid shows Miss Blanche some fan mail that Jane has defaced with ‘dirty words’, and although Jane doesn’t know it, she’s perfectly right to have written those words.
Before we know it Blanche has cut off Jane’s alcohol supply. The nerve!
You don’t mess with Jane though, or you’ll get some interesting culinary choices for dinner. And to make matter’s worse, Blanche is going to sell their house from under Jane! Not bloody likely!
She isn’t going to sell the house! And she ahn’t evar gonna leave it!
Now Jane tries to make a new friend, and all Blanche can do is ring that damn buzzer!
Now Jane may be a little extreme in the way she stops Blanche from ringing the buzzer…
…but I think we can all agree that it needed to be done. That buzzer was annoying!
Eventually, on the run from the law, Blanche reveals her terrible secret about how much of a bitch she is, all the while pointing her magnificent chest to the sky, practically rubbing Jane’s face in the fact that she has the better rack.
United at last in true sisterhood, Jane completely loses it and Blanche expires on the beach, her true bitchiness revealed. Of course, Jane is painted the villain of the piece. After all, she kicks the shit out of Blanche, feeds her birds and rats, and ties her up.
I think it’s safe to say Baby Jane and Blanche Hudson are a pair of magnificent bitches.